From Shame to Self Compassion

Photo Credit: Steve Halama

From Shame to Self Compassion

I am very grateful to see the rising awareness of the destructive nature of shame. How often have I watched my clients, with earnest intentions and resolute conviction, cling to shame with an unspoken belief that through inflicting this pain on themselves, they will give up their problematic behaviors and finally “pull it together”. They will chastise themselves as lazy, weak, undisciplined, selfish, and more in an effort to will themselves out of their problems. When the self-abuse doesn’t work, they often conclude that they just aren’t being hard enough on themselves. I have found myself, at times, stuck in this same trap and then perplexed by my unchanging behavior, as if tearing myself down would somehow make me stronger. 

Shame tells us that at our core we are, at best, redeemable only if we are able to act and be a certain way, perfectly. Perhaps we believe that we must follow the rules of our religion perfectly in order to be good enough to be a worthy human being. Perhaps we believe we must only care for others and deny our own needs to earn love.  Many of us have been taught that we must hide parts of us that exist because they are problematic for others. We might label these parts of ourselves as bratty, selfish, ugly, disgusting, needy, etc.  We cut ourselves off from what we imagine might cause us to be rejected, abandoned, unloved. 

There is an interesting paradox in shame. The more we try to cut away parts of ourselves we are ashamed of, the more likely it is that they will surface in our lives in unhelpful ways. Shame generally leads to a less fulfilling life, and the path towards wholeness often lies in embracing the very aspects of ourselves that we believe we must reject. Holding the whole of ourselves with kindness and compassion gives us a deeper strength to bear the challenges of life and make new choices, honoring both our own needs and those of others. With compassion we are able to embrace all of who we are, and often what we have previously rejected in ourselves become our greatest strengths. 

Of course, knowing this truth certainly doesn’t lessen shame’s seductive call. While we can grasp the reasoning of turning towards compassion, actually generating it for ourselves can sometimes seem impossible. 

Gratefully, self-compassion is a skill just like any other and we can cultivate it through practice. Compassion is not so much a feeling as it is a thought, and we certainly have the ability to choose our thoughts. Self-compassion is simply the recognition of our inherent worth regardless of our mistakes or limitations and, like we would for a beloved child or dear friend, a wish for happiness and peace for ourselves. 

Using mindful awareness, we can slow down and notice when we turn to shame as a resource, and make a new choice instead.  This is one of the many reasons that a daily meditation practice is one of the most important things we can do in service of our well-being. Setting aside time to calm our bodies and minds and practicing choosing where to put our focus with loving intentionality makes compassion an available resource for us as we go about our daily lives. We meditate not to become better meditators, but to be able to make better use of our minds and better enjoy our lives. 

Shifting from shame to self-compassion in the face of our challenges takes time and practice. Each time we make that choice, it becomes easier and more natural. Change is possible, growth is possible, healing is possible, and it can even start right now by just taking 5 minutes to sit, breathe, notice your thoughts, and try to hold them with compassion. 

If you are interested in becoming a Certified Mindfulness Based Addiction & Trauma Therapist (MBATT), you can learn more here, and you are welcome to sign up for our interest list here. 

Registration opens for Level I MBATT training on August 14th, 2020, and we close the training at 36 therapists in order to honor a connected, experiential, and creative training. 

Chelsea Dekruyff MA, LPC, MBATT-S

About the Author: Chelsea DeKruyff is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Austin, Texas and has been in private practice as a psychotherapist for over 15 years. She is also Certified Mindfulness Based Addiction & Trauma Therapist and Supervisor with TMAATT.

Making use of her interest in the intersection of applied neuroscience and mindfulness practices, Chelsea has co-founded two non-profits centering on the treatment and prevention of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

• The International Center of Mental Health and Human Rights focuses on training mental health care givers in wounded communities around the world.

• VetCraft which centers on the use of craftwork as a therapeutic mindfulness practice for veterans with PTSD.

As part of her work with the International Center, Chelsea was among the first group of therapist ever to be invited by the Tibetan Government in Exile to work with their community by offering training to their mental health care givers and direct treatment to their citizens.

To connect with Chelsea you may email her at: chelseadekruyfflpc@gmail.com